I hesitated sharing this part of my life as I felt it was best kept where it was housed – the past. However, after some time with God, a gentle rebuke, and a firm prompting to write, I share my story.
Twelve years ago (during the Christmas season), I sat on the couch staring blankly at a TV screen. My hand was graced with the most beautiful diamond you could imagine. Strangers complimented me on this ring on a constant basis. I am certain that most could see the bling on my finger from across the room. It was just that gorgeous.
Photo credit: @DeerPearlFlowers
I thought I was happy with the decision to accept the marriage proposal of my on-again, off-again boyfriend of five years in the fall of 2005. It seemed to make sense as we would plan to solidify such a shaky history of “together” and “not together”. Soon after I accepted the proposal, I couldn’t sleep at night. Anxiety would take its toll on me during the day. I was unfocused, unhappy, and not the image of a content woman who should have been elated about her man putting a ring on it. I thought no one noticed as I attempted to conceal my inner-struggle, but it would be my mother who would ask me one day, “Do you want to do this?” I don’t remember my verbal response to her, but do remember the weighted feelings of dread, worry, and uncertainty.
“The decision wasn’t about my ex but all about God…”
So as I’m sitting on my couch, staring blankly at the TV screen, the tears began to flow down my face as I thought about the decision I would have to make. I sensed that God was drawing me away from my ex and toward Him as the author and finisher of my faith. I’m not here to bash my ex, but this was a moment in time where my words of “I love and trust you, God” would have to match the actions of “I’ll do your will”.
“Faith without works is dead” – James 2:17
I was already a devout Christian, church attendee, bible reader, and women’s ministry leader but God wanted COMPLETE SURRENDER from me. Would I let go of my pride? Would I dare to believe that He was speaking? Would I follow Him even though it would cost me my relationship and perhaps invoke embarrassment?
“the bling was gone, but what I gained outweighed the shine of that diamond…”
My mom walked in the room and hugged me because she “knew.” She prayed for me and declared God’s Word over my life as I cried like I had never cried before. I was no longer going to ignore God’s voice. God was doing a new thing and I never looked back as He redirected me, healed me, and brought a new life and purpose…
“my prayer for you…”
May God keep every person who is having a “Will I trust the Lord?” moment in time. May the peace of God overtake you as you pursue God like never before, declaring “not my will, but your will be done, Lord”. May you experience a greater level of trust in God and adopt unshakable faith. May you be reassured that He has your best interest at heart because He can see the bigger picture of your life. God is with you. God is for you. God loves you.